Ron Weasley is a moron
by oddball1098
Summary: a series of funny situations that will, most likely be at Ron's expense and will, if at all possible, hurt him... a lot.


A/N: yo! Inspiration struck again. So here an amusing little scene I thought up.

**Chapter 1: a bean too far**

Harry was laying on his bed idly reading a book on transfiguration, splitting his attention between reading and watching the game of every-flavour-bean-chicken that had spontaneously occurred.

Ron, Dean, Neville and Seamus were sat in a circle, on the floor eating every flavour beans

"Come and join in, harry" Ron said "why would you want to read, when you could be having fun? Seems mental to me"

Harry did not take Ron's psychological analysis to heart, as Ron believed that anyone who came to school to learn was mental, as well as anyone who believed the chuddley cannons were not the best team ever, despite the fact they had not won a single game since their founding and had scored their first ever goal (and most likely last) this season... and that was due to a freak wind blowing the quaffle into the goal.

"You know, when they say every flavour they mean every flavour" he added when it became obvious that harry was trying to pretend he hadn't heard him. As he said this he puffed out his chest as if Bertie Bott's achievement of creating every flavour and putting them in bean form had somehow been his accomplishment.

"No thanks Ron; I don't really think I want to make myself sick by finding a truly disgusting bean"

"Ha! I can handle any flavour bean, watch!" at this declaration he shoved a fistful of beans in his mouth.

"I didn't realise we were competing Ron" replied harry with a sigh "but if that's true then, here. Eat this one"

He picked one of the beans out and held it out to Ron,

"What flavours that?" he asked, face scrunched up as he tried to use all his pitiful brain power to predict what flavour it could be.

The bean in question was pale, very pale and had a patch of black on the top it had a slight protrusion on the front that looked like a hook... strange, it almost looked like it was glaring at him.

"Does it matter?" harry asked "you can handle anything, right?"

Ron looked around, everyone was watching him.

"Er... yeah!" he said with almost confidence. He was an accomplished master of eating food after all. Day after day he trained the art of shovelling food into his mouth while breathing through his nose, others called it disgusting but they were just jealous, he told himself.

He took hold of the bean and stared at it.

It was defiantly glaring at him. Quite an accomplishment considering it had no eyes.

It also felt strangely greasy at the top, but Ron passed it off as his sweaty hands, after all, to him, meat sweats were a common thing.

"Here goes" he popped the bean in his mouth... his face went red... then green... then white and he vomited all over the floor.

The boys scrambled away from the growing puddle of puke.

Finally after Ron had finished emptying his bottomless stomached, on all four over the puddle of sick he panted out a weak "see... I told you... I win!" And collapsed, face down in his own vomit.

"I'm impressed Ron" he wasn't, he was mostly disgusted "I didn't think you'd have the guts to eat a Snape-flavoured-bean" Ron just grunted

"So... do you still feel like you won?" Harry asked looking over at the collapsed and shivering form covered in sick.

"...yes." he grunted stubbornly, still face down in the puddle of sick.

Harry sighed. 'Well you can't spell moron without Ron" he thought

Snape-flavour beans were later found to be an aphrodisiac to the actual Severus Snape (because he loves himself so much) and so Ron was brutally raped by Snape during breakfast, Ron then committed suicide because the rape had ruined all future breakfasts for him, being reminded of it every time he tried to stuff his face in the morning, and to Ron life without breakfast was mental.

The end

A/N: as you can probably guess, I hate Ron Weasley. I could go on, and on, about why he's such a ball-licking turd, but if you've clicked on this fanfic, I'd probably be preaching to the choir. I will however leave you with this parting thought...

The French philosopher René Descartes, wondering how he could be sure of his own existence, came up with "I think, therefore I am". Using this logic Ron Weasley does not exist. René has done a great service to humanity. I suggest we give him the respect he deserves for wiping Ron from existence, something J. K. Rowling should have done long ago.


End file.
